So, today I want to talk a bit (that is, a lot) about faith. Since faith does include religion and the spiritual, I am going to be talking a lot about my thoughts and experiences as a Christian, so most of this post will probably be most relevant to other Christians. However, since faith also encompasses things that aren’t strictly religion and because there is a lot of crossover between the psychological and the spiritual, I’d like you to read the full post even if you don’t identify as Christian because I find faith, spiritual or otherwise, is essential in combating depression.
Firstly, this break-up has had a huge impact on my prayer life. I did pray regularly before, yes, but my prayer life has definitely been more constant and frequent this past year or so. Honestly, I can’t work out all my thoughts on prayer and I still have a lot of questions about how it works, whether it works, why it works, whether it’s real, all in my head, or both. I’m the most skeptical Christian I know.
Despite that, prayer is what I automatically turn to in times of trouble. It’s instinctive, like pulling my hand away from a hot dish or calling my mom because I’m hurt or scared and I don’t know what to do but maybe she will. And though I don’t have, y’know, scientific proof or anything, I find that for me, prayer does help, which is part of why I do it every night and several times throughout the day.
But I have to do it right. Prayer isn’t just spiritual. It’s cognitive. It’s a thought pattern and has a real effect on your brain.
Sometimes when I prayed, it was an obsessive thing, a desperate bid for control in a situation where I didn’t have any. And when I mean “obsessive”, I mean “straying into OCD territory”.
See, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by obsessions and compulsions. “Obsessions” refer to distressing thoughts that you can’t get out of your head. “Compulsions” are things you do, both physical acts and mental ones, to get those thoughts out of your head. You feel compelled to do them, that terrible things will happen if you don’t do them and though you can’t say how those things will happen, you know it will be awful. So when you perform the compulsion, you feel a sense of relief because you’ve done it now, it’ll be okay… for now. Until the obsession returns and the cycle repeats.
Just to be clear, compulsions are different from actual problem-solving skills. If, say, I have a small swelling on my eyelid and I’m not sure what it is, there’s a few things I can do to deal with it. I can enter my symptoms into Google, ask my medically-minded mom or nurse sister what it could be, or, if I’m especially concerned and it hasn’t cleared up after a few days, go to the walk-in clinic to see what the doctor thinks. I can make sure to wash my hands frequently, especially before and after touching my eyes, make extra sure to get nutrition into my system, sleep when I’m tired and wear my glasses instead of my contact lenses, and stop wearing makeup until my eye returns to normal. I can ask myself “Are my contacts or my makeup getting too old? Did I wash my makeup off properly? My sister had pink eye a few weeks ago, maybe I caught this from her? Do I have allergies? Is this a response to the constant smoke in the air?” to put together a history for the doctor.
These are all normal, healthy actions to take given the situation. Clearly, taking action to handle a situation is a good thing and if I don’t make changes, my eye infection will get worse.
However, compulsions aren’t like what I described above; they’re more like “I have a swelling on my eye, so I can’t step on any of the cracks on the sidewalk or else I won’t get better. And I need to wash my hands for a full ten minutes under scalding water every time I touch something.” That is, compulsions are time-consuming, harmful, and not realistically connected to the problem you’re trying to solve. The not stepping on the cracks is not realistically connected to the eye swelling. The handwashing, though it is connected, is cripplingly time-consuming and, because of the damage it’s doing to your hands with the heat and frequency, is actually harmful and could result in introducing more infection.
So, now that we’ve defined obsessions and compulsions, you might be able to see how prayer can be a compulsion. I’d find the thought of my ex with his girlfriend constantly popping into my head and what if they stay together? What if they never break up? What if they do break up but he won’t consider me again anyway and just jumps straight into another relationship like he did last time, or he does consider me but I can’t be with him because he’s done too much and I’ll just be waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time?
And this whole nasty train of thought rips through me and so I pray, please, please God, don’t let it be so. I would beg and plead for God to break through to this man I love so much, if there was any way, any way at all to have him back, for us to be happy together, please, please, please…
But a prayer like this will not bring you peace. It will torment you, waiting for an answer. And though I believe a sense of control is important to your health and perhaps is even part of being made in God’s image, trying to seize control through prayer may only give you the illusion of control and with that illusion comes responsibility and with that responsibility comes stress, because that’s a responsibility you’re not meant to take on.
So now I’ve been doing different prayers. I still pray for my situation and that my ex’s heart will soften and that people will hold him accountable for his actions, that he will come to the end of his stubbornness and pride, that God will introduce people into his life that will help him become the man he’s meant to be, and provide him with the good, godly friends he clearly needs. But I pray it, then I let it go. Just pray it a few times throughout the day, just a short quick prayer on that subject, then move on. (As opposed to the constant stream of worry that my prayer was before)
Now that I’m praying less about that, what else am I praying about?
I started by focusing my prayer mostly on myself. That might be an idea that takes getting used to; I know many Christians are taught that praying for yourself is too selfish. But God loves you too as much as He does anyone else and wants good things for you and I don’t think He has any problem with hearing your wants and needs from your own lips. I mean, my mom likes it when I open up to her about the things I want and would much rather me tell her what I’d like for my birthday then say “I dunno, you pick, whatever.” and if that’s how my mom feels about it and God loves me even more than my mom does, I’m guessing He would like me to be as open and honest with Him as I am with her.
I pray for strength and for wisdom and guidance. I pray for God to speak to me and teach me and prepare me for the work I am to do and to help me become the person I’m meant to be. I pray that He will keep my heart soft and my thoughts and actions kind. That He will heal me, and bless me. That He’ll fight the battle on my behalf because I’ve done my best and it’s still not enough and I can’t do this anymore.
I think this has been one of the most useful prayers for me because it’s a prayer of laying down my burdens and laying down responsibility that maybe never should’ve been mine to begin with. Ultimately, prayer should be a place for you to lay down your burdens. If your prayers are obsessive like mine were, you will instead be picking up burdens that aren’t your responsibility and it will wear you down instead of build you up.
I think of this one verse where God says His yoke is light and this depression has been so heavy on me. It’s not His. So I’m asking him to lift it off of me and place His yoke on my shoulders instead because His yoke is one that I can handle, because it’s the one I’m meant to carry. Your prayers should not weigh you down. If they do, I think that’s indicator that maybe you’re not doing it right.
See, prayer is as much for you as it is for God and remember, joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. If your prayers are depressing you, they’re probably not thoughts from God.
And remember, prayers are thought patterns and the Bible tells us to think upon things that are good. I once read that the Hebrew word translated as “good” actually translates more literally as “life-giving”. So by this translation, we’re instructed to think thoughts that give us life, that make us feel alive and want to be alive and helps us do things that spread life to others.
Really, the more I think on the Bible I realize that a lot of the verses aren’t necessarily about sinfulness but about how to live a life of health. Which is why I’m going to leave one of my general rules of dealing with mental health here: “If it’s not helping you, don’t do it.” Seriously, if your prayers are making you that miserable, take a break. God understands and He’s not sitting there waiting to smite you with all the powers of heaven and hell the moment you stop praying. Just say, “Hey, I’d like to be closer with you, but I’m really a mess right now and I don’t have it in me to talk to you right now.” I’ve done that too; it’s okay to need your space for a while.
Now, my prayers doesn’t always “work perfectly”, even if I’m “doing it right”. Sometimes, it gets to a point where I don’t know what to pray anymore or what to ask because I doubt that I can even figure out what’s best for me because I look at all the possibilities for my future and don’t really like any of the options I see. Then my prayer becomes really simple: “Please, Jesus, work in the hearts, minds, and lives of everyone involved in this situation, even in mine. Have your way here. And help me! Bless me! Please! Amen.”
The power in this prayer lies in the fact that I’m trusting God to do what’s best for me. And maybe you don’t have a relationship with God or believe in Him, but I believe the element of trust is necessary to your recovery regardless. Maybe you trust in God, or fate, or chance, but it’s so important to have some trust in and faith in your life getting better, that maybe your future will be something beyond what your limited depressed brain can come up with right now.
I’ve come to the point where I can say “I am depressed. My brain is broken. Sometimes I am wrong. And I have faith that I will be wrong and my life will turn out better than I think it will.” Beyond faith in God, I have faith in the world, in the existence of true goodness, in my family and friends, in the kids I teach, in the next generation, in our ability to learn from our mistakes, and in myself. All this faith gives me such strength and resilience so that I must declare it a necessity. It gives me life.
To wrap up for today, I’d like to leave you with a verse that is really annoying when people quote it at me but really speaks to me and lifts me up whenever it pops into my head on its own: Jeremiah 29:11–“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.“
The Intersection of Everything 