04/03/2018

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The Week So Far: Have not punched anyone in the face despite really, really wanting to and despite them probably kinda deserving it. Self-control game STRONG.

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03/23/2018

Post-Breakup-Pre-New-Girlfriend Carpooling:

Ex: Hey, if you like I could us drive home from work, if you don’t mind me driving your car.

Me: *really tired, gratefully hands over keys*

Ex: *sits in driver’s seat of cat* Woah, your driver’s seat feels really weird… I mean, but if you like it it’s okay.

Me: *laughs* My mom always says it feels weird.

Ex: *talks whole way home*

 

I need to get a new driver’s seat for my car because it seems to be throwing my back out. Before I moved, this wasn’t a problem, but now I have to commute to work and school so I’m spending more hours in this awful seat, and by golly, my ex and my mom were right: the driver’s seat does feel REALLY weird.

Adult life is just so expensive.

I had to shell out four hundred dollars to fix the heat in my car, since it’s not safe to drive around in BC without a working defrost. And gas is just astronomically expensive, a dollar fifty or more per litre. I remember it costing only sixty-five cents when I was a kid. But at least I don’t have to drive my mom’s gas-guzzler anymore, which halves the money I spend on gas.

I also have to pay down my racked-up credit card, which still hasn’t recovered from the six-hundred dollars I needed to replace my brakes, or the three-hundred to fix my mom’s car, or the other three-hundred to fix my driver’s window after it got broken into.

Also, I need new shoes because most of mine are either throwing my back out or quite literally falling apart and I don’t understand how my mom’s shoes last forever and mine wear out so fast even though we buy from the same companies. Do I just walk really weird?

And I could really use some new jackets, since my old ones are really baggy and uncomfortable ever since I lost that weight last year.

And I’ve had so many doctor’s appointments. Thanks to my driver’s seat and my shoes and who knows what else, I’ve had to see the chiropractor twice this month and still haven’t entirely fixed all the damage done. Then I had my eye doctor appointment and discovered that my prescription has changed and that my eyesight is horrible. Then I’ll have to buy new contacts (I’ve been wearing the same pair for the past four months) and glasses. Next I’ll have to see the podiatrist about my orthotics which I haven’t replaced since I was a sophomore in high school. Then it’ll be the dentist for my regular check-up, fillings, and probably getting my wisdom teeth out which freaks me out because I’m terrified of needles and don’t know what to do about it. Which means I’ll probably need to talk to my psychologist. Thankfully, I do get reimbursed for this, but until I do, I’m hundreds of dollars short.

(At least the doctor at the walk-in clinic upped my anti-depressant dosage and it turns out that these meds are compatible with the sedation at the dentist’s. No, I have not found a new family physician. All the doctors around here appear to be taken.)

Tuition for the summer will probably be around another eight hundred dollars but the class hours make it so I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which costs me a few hundred dollars every month.

A lot of my conversations with my friends revolve around how expensive everything is.

However, Ex’s GF was actually pretty decent this week. I’m not sure if someone noticed that I was upset last week and talked to her about her behaviour, or if she had a crisis of conscience, or if I just got lucky, but there wasn’t any flirting that day. The staff meeting got cancelled so we just had to find some chores to do for the next hour or so, so I asked her and Ex to look over some forms since I was the only person who’d read through and signed on them so far, but she was really respectful and it was just really nice to see the girl I actually like again.

As for Ex, I don’t really know what to do with him. While GF was decent, he was moody and taciturn. Not directly at me or anything, just in general. However, it’s a different kind of moody. Lately, he’s been moody with an attitude problem, but this week it was the kind of moodiness that seems to stem from him being uncomfortable, not from being conceited. I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t know what to do with me any more than I know what to do with him.

And my thoughts and feelings towards him still fluctuate daily. I miss him, or at least the person he was while we were dating, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life with the person he’s being right now. And even if he became the person he once was again and we got together again, would I even be happy with him? Can we learn from our mistakes? Could I trust him again, or would I just be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Could we ever have again what we once had? Or would we both be better off with different people?

I know I need to stop thinking like that. It doesn’t make me happy. But there are days when once that first thought of him pops into my head, those thoughts just flood in and I can’t stop thinking about them even though I really don’t want to and even though I know it’s not good for me, I can’t for the life of me figure out what else to fill my mind with. Especially since Ex and her are reaching the one-year mark right about now.

Anyway.

I am supposed to be doing homework right now, y’know. End-of-semester crunch and all that. But I’m having one of those days where I just can’t focus and have this fidgety energy and tension that is just ever present, so concentrating on my homework is difficult at the moment.

I managed to get through a chapter of my philosophy readings today, so one more chapter to go for that plus a couple short written-answer assignments (including several overdue ones), but I feel like I didn’t glean a whole lot from the readings so far. I’m not sure if my brain is just having an off-day, or if these readings are full of logical fallacies and that’s why they aren’t making the most sense, or maybe because one of the papers I had to read is literally two hundred years old.

But my midterms are done! The first midterm, which my prof let me rewrite since I couldn’t remember a thing when my grandpa was in the hospital, was a B+, which is awesome because she has really tough essay questions and marks hard. I think that’s about a full letter grade above the rest of the class. I haven’t heard back about the second one because end-of-semester crunch means she hasn’t gotten around to marking them all yet, but I’m confident I passed, which at this point I’m satisfied with.

This summer I’ll be taking that course I was going to take last summer. I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which sucks, but once I finish this class, I can take any third-year psych course I want, which I’m really looking forward to.

A friend of mine is also getting married this summer, which I’m really excited about, though that means I’ll have to set aside money for a gift for the happy couple and to get a dress to wear for the wedding. But I was checking her Facebook page to get some more info on the wedding (like the dress code) but instead found nothing but Christianese. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits and I’m Christian myself and love being a Christian and love Jesus and God and morality and have had some really enlightening conversations with her, but if I see any more Bible verses taken out of context or poorly thought-through interpretations of the Bible or cherry-picking of the scientific literature, I am going to scream. Once again I am reminded how much I love the Unfollow feature on Facebook and why I’ve unfollowed everyone I’ve friended.

My grandpa’s doing better now that he’s out of the hospital. We’re having to make adjustments to make sure him and my grandma are getting all that they need, which can be stressful, but we’re just thankful to have them with us still.

My mom’s also been sore because a couple months ago she got into a little car accident where she was backed into in a parking lot. This week we found out that she has a concussion, which I’ve been thinking for a while since she’s been dizzy, nauseous, and depressed, but she didn’t have a chance to see a doctor about it until now.

So her and I have been looking out for each other whenever one of us has a bad day. Little things bother her more than they used to and she’s weepy a lot and hating it, but at least we have a better idea of what’s going on with her head now that the doctor realized she has a concussion.

My hands are also sore because I had to help hold boards for board breaks in one of the martial arts classes. It’s an advanced class and most of the students there that day were black belts who were bigger than me. One of them broke the board I was holding so thoroughly that the two pieces flew out of my hands and across the room; one piece landed neatly in the box. It was actually rather magnificent and I wish we caught it on video. At least no one kicked my fingers. But the swelling in my one hand still hasn’t gone down so I think I need to get innovative and attach some padding to my hands to absorb the impact.

And of course my body is sore from the chiropractor readjusting everything and I’m carrying myself differently and using different muscles trying to keep everything from going back to the (wrong) place it was in before (which made me sore too).

And my period came a full week early, which was an unpleasant surprise, but I guess that’s just what happens when one is too stressed out.

So that’s been my life: work, school, and bills.

I’ve been so busy trying to stay on top of everything and trying to get it all organized, I haven’t had time for much else. I’ve missed writing on the blog. It’s very cathartic, gets out a lot of my frantic negative energy. I prefer this to the medium of journaling so I’ve just dropped journaling for blogging.

But hey, I just finished another installment of the Break-Up Survival Guide (Depression and Anxiety Edition)! I’m so happy because maybe I’ll finally get the thing finished in a the next couple months, which will be a big project I can cross off my to-do list.

And now I must go, for I still have more philosophy homework plus an absurd amount of Women’s Studies and that means reading sociology papers which takes forever, and I’m going to visit my brother and his family so I’m going to play with my two favourite little girlies and snuggle my adorable oldest nephew. TTFN (Ta-ta for now)!

Dealing With Shit Human Beings

The past few weeks have been super stressful. My grandpa was in the hospital (a story for another time) and consequently, I’ve missed enough work to risk losing my job. I’ve had midterms, my car’s needed repairs, I need money to get caught up on my medical care, and I’ve had weekly staff meetings with Ex and his GF and his mom. His mom has always been really decent to me, but the GF’s behavioural has been, well, my mom’s started referring to her as Pious Bitch.

In some ways, she can be a really great person. Like, one of the kids at work in her location was having trouble with some bullies and she put together some resources for him. But it’s frustrating having this girl who’s being really nasty to me and continuing on with behaviour that she knows is hurtful to me and then taking such pride about how she’s such a “good girl” and how she’s so “nice”.

And him, he just enables her and goes along with it. When she’s not around, he’s actually okay to be with. I caught him glancing at me once, when he thought I wasn’t looking. Not a checking me out glance but just like he was checking to see if I was doing okay and hoping that I was doing good. The kind of glance he’d give me when he was looking out for me.

The staff meeting before last he even looked almost happy to see me there. Him and I were actually able to talk like normal people, the first time we’d actually talked directly to each other for a long time, and I thought, “Huh, maybe the person I actually like is still in there somewhere.” Heck, there were a few moments when I even thought that about her, saw a glimpse of the girl I used to be kinda friends with and once looked forward to working with. I was starting to think that maybe things were getting better, that there was a possibility for some reconciliation. Not necessarily romance, but reconciliation.

Then this past meeting, she’s talking about how they just went birdwatching on a whim and then he’s talking about how they want to save up for hiking gear. Then he mentions that he’s saving to get his own place and she said “That’s our goal” in this soppy, simpering way and I just felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I almost yelled at them both in front of everyone and ugh, did I ever want to slap them. But I didn’t.

I’m just so sick of her smugness and her walking and talking like she thinks she’s so cute and constantly staring at him and talking about their relationship in front of me while I’m trying to be professional and her trying to show off how smart she is by talking about all the classes she’s taking. I’m so sick of him acting like he’s so mature because he was able to move on from our relationship and I wasn’t and like he’s the more rational one just because he’s calm and him thinking she’s so much more mature than me because she not acting hurt. Of course she’s not acting hurt, you jackass! You haven’t hurt her yet! And I’m sick of him acting like he has the right to tell how and when to feel my own feelings.

And it sucks because he’s become exactly the kind of person I’m dedicating my life to fighting against: the kind of person who just takes all the good options off the table and leaves you with just the shitty ones you don’t actually want but you’re stuck choosing one and either option you choose will be the wrong one. If I act like I’m okay with things the way they are, they just get more comfortable parading around their relationship in front of me. If I act like I’m not okay with things the way they are, she just hides behind him while he gets all pissy at me. It’s a catch-22.

And it hurts because when him and I were still together, I could see good things in store for him. And for us. I thought God had a wonderful plan for him and I was excited to watch it unfold, excited to see him learn and grow, excited to see the person he would become. It’s not like I was dating him for his potential, but more like he was such a wonderful person already that I was looking forward to seeing him discover more of himself.

And it looked like God’s plan for him and God’s plan for me meshed together so well. We were both going into counselling psychology, both wanting our PhDs and our own practices. I wanted to work with women who’d been abused. He wanted to work with children who’d been through trauma. What careers could fit together more perfectly? We both wanted a long-term relationship and one day marriage, though he wasn’t ready for us to talk about that yet, and he was also interested in the idea of adopting our children. We also had all these other interests and little details in common, like our tastes in movies and music. Even our signatures looked the same! Not to mention we were crazy attracted to each other. And we had all the same questions about morality and the nature of God and why the world is the way it is and I was excited to look for the answers to those questions with him.

But somewhere along the line, he just gave up on all that. I think he just decided that things weren’t going to work and that he wasn’t going to invest himself in that anymore. It’s a shame. Most of the people I know change for the better as they gain age and experience, but he changed for the worse. And I’m really very disappointed in him.

But I’m proud of myself. These recent staff meetings, I’ve managed to act myself (and walked in looking freakin’ gorgeous, I might add). And I’ve soldiered through and have chosen to be loving and gracious and kind despite it all.

I’m just sick and tired of those two being shit human beings. Especially when I’m trying so hard to be positive and to not be hateful and to think on things that are good.

And as much as “shit human being” is an insult (and it’s non-gendered, too, for those of you looking for a non-gendered insult), I realized there is actually one other insult that comes to mind that is far worse: unkind. I think if I ever wind up giving them a piece of my mind, I will throw at them the worse insult I can come up with and that insult is this: “You’re being unkind.”

So, my emotions have been a little all over the place this week, as you might’ve noticed.

But you know what? I witnessed something really incredible today.

So, I’ve mentioned I work at a dojo, so I work with a lot of kids and families and sometimes those families are split families with divorces and such. But today one of the moms wanted to buy a weapon for her son to practice with and the dad, her ex, came in to pay. And while they were waiting for everything to go through, they just casually talked about their lives, even about their significant others, joking and laughing with each other. It was just an amazing example to me about how people can love and lose and rebuild their lives after.

I wish movies showed more of these kinds of interactions between exes because the interactions with movie exes are usually so negative, unless the ex winds up becoming the love interest. I think people really need to see an in-between ex relationship with that camaraderie, something in between “lover” and “bitch”.

And another thing that’s been building me up is interacting with people at work. There are several kids who usually visit me between classes and the parents ask me questions about how my schooling is going and tell me about some of the things that have been going in their lives. It’s neat, getting to know them and watching them form new friendships. Seeing the parents make new friends here is just as adorable as watching the kids make new friends in class.

And my other coworkers actually really respect me. I just realized this recently. It’s weird because I’m only 23 and I seem to be thought of as one of the senior employees and sometimes am almost treated like management. See, I’m the only employee without a black belt and a lot of these employees started out as students, so even though I’ve technically worked there longer, they’ve been involved with my workplace years before I came on the scene. Yet these other people I work with are super respectful towards me and will check with me before doing things and ask my opinions of stuff.

I’m really thankful for that.

Hello 2018!

Hi everyone! Happy New Year! We’ve survived 2017! Astonishing!

January 3rd marked one year since I started this blog. Some bloggers like to recap on the year but, no, not me. You’ve probably noticed this has been a rather depressing year for me, so reflecting on it is pretty much the last thing I want to do. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier to see a year end.

Instead, I want to talk about something that makes me happy: my holiday and my plans for 2018.

Sometimes, Christmastime can be really stressful. There’s end-of-semester projects and exams, extra work events, deadlines for things like submitting health care claims, hosting family gatherings, and financial strain of getting gifts for everyone. Christmas is usually even more stressful for me because, well, I’m rather ambivalent about Christmas, which probably sounds really weird coming from a Christian, but it’s caused a lot of family conflict the past few Christmases. But this Christmas there wasn’t any drama around that (probably because I just kept my mouth shut on the subject).

On the 23rd, I called two of my grandmas (coming from a split family, I have three sets of grandparents), both of whom I hadn’t talked to in eight or nine years due to the Divorce From Hell. I’d been meaning to call them for months, but life got in the way and I wanted something to say besides, “Hey, I’m super depressed” so I hadn’t gotten around to it. So I wished them both Merry Christmas and chatted with each of them for a few minutes and will be talking more with them in the future. (They both said “You sound really good”, which means my acting is certainly up to par since I was kinda miserable at the time.)

So I feel this weight lifted off of me because I was rather anxious about calling them and about what I would even say to them after all this time but I knew I needed to talk to them and that I didn’t want them to pass away without me making things right with them (I already went through this with one grandparent).

The best thing about this holiday, though, was that I actually had plans. Instead of sitting at home trying to entertain myself and feeling lonely, I was actually out with people for most of the holiday, which was very good for me.

Mom’s Boyfriend invited us to go with him and his daughter to have Christmas Eve dinner with their best friends’ family. I’d never met them before, but I wasn’t nervous because a) antidepressants and b) they’re just the kind of people who know how to make others feel comfortable. After dinner, I wound up talking education and artificial intelligence with the dad for a while. The mom said to holler if I needed rescuing; obviously, she didn’t know that conversations about education and artificial intelligence are right up my alley. Then we played card games for several hours then listened to Christmas music.

It’s the first time in years that Mom and I’ve actually had an event to go to on Christmas Eve. Her side on the family used to have family gatherings with all the aunts and uncles and cousins, but the family’s grown so big and so busy that those stopped.

Christmas Day my mom and I unwrapped gifts. We decided that she would give me a budget for gifts and that I would just buy my own presents and she would reimburse me for it. I rather like this new system because I get only things I really, really want. Bizarrely enough, the things that I picked for myself are things I would’ve been bored by when I was a kid- pajamas, slippers and fuzzy socks.

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And yes, they are super cozy.

That evening, Mom’s Boyfriend and his daughter (henceforth known as “Pseudostepsister”) came out for dinner and presents. He must know food is the way to my heart because I got an awful lot of restaurant gift cards and chocolates. We also played board games, which I won every round of. Even the cat came out to say hello to our guests, which is unusual because people scare her. We think she likes Pseudostepsister because she’s similar in personality to me. And after much fiddling around with the phone camera, we took our first picture together as a family.

 

Boxing Day we had yet another Christmas dinner, this time with my siblings. The younger of my two brothers and his wife never responded to our invited or showed up and my brother-in-law had to work, but my sister and her son came and we sent leftovers for her hubby and my oldest brother came with his wife and three kids.

So we had six adults and four kids under the age of six. Very busy. And all four of those kids decided to jump on my bed so I was rather frazzled trying to make sure no one fell off. My youngest nephew kept throwing himself onto my pillows and laughing but eventually wound up bonking his head on the wall doing that. He cried for a minute then went right back to what he was doing like nothing happened.

They also like to see and pet the kitty. I have to supervise to make sure they’re being gentle with her and now my youngest niece is allergic to cats, which is a shame because she loves cats and is always asking about “the kitty”. After a while, Cat decided she’d had enough and booked it out of there and hid out in my mom’s room.

Mom kept trying to get a picture of my youngest nephew walking around with all my stuffie cats in his arms, but didn’t really succeed because he’s always moving so everything’s a blur.

My nephews, especially the older one, also took a particular interest in my piano. Since they’re not even two yet, they can’t do anything besides turn it on and off and randomly hit keys, but it warms my heart seeing them so interested in something I love.

My oldest nephew also loves to play with ping-pong balls, but he discovered the giant exercise ball my mom has and was rather tearful when we pulled him away from it to open presents.

We had stockings for all the adults and wrapped a present for each of the kids. We got the girls these magnetic Etch-a-Sketch-type pads because they’re at the age where they do a lot of drawing now. They started playing with them right away and I got to see, for the first time, my oldest niece write her own name.

The two boys each got an animal backpack and a reusable snack bag along with some new socks. Turns out that putting on new socks is one of my oldest nephew’s favourite things.

I also finally gave my brother and sister copies of my grad photos from 2013. They were pretty happy about it and my sister showed her son right away and asked him “Do you know who that is?” His response: “Zelda”. He thinks I’m Princess Zelda.

The most exciting part of the evening was when I heard my sister-in-law whispering in her youngest daughter’s ear and my niece said “We’re having a baby!” Apparently she’d already let the cat out of the bag at dinner but since she’s still learning to talk we don’t always understand what she’s saying. So my brother and sister-in-law are having baby number four, due early next summer!

After Christmas was my birthday. My best friend invited me and another of my friends out to her place so I spent from the day after Boxing Day to New Year’s Day out at her place. They made it their personal mission to get me caught up on Marvel movies, so a lot of our time was spent doing that.

Probably the coolest thing was getting a call from my one grandma late on my birthday because, well, remember me mentioning my one brother and his wife didn’t come to the family Christmas dinner? They had a baby! On my birthday! I got a NEPHEW for my birthday! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever?!

(Well, it’s a little awkward since they never told me that she was pregnant, but whatever. They’ve been wanting a baby for ages so I’m thrilled.)

Best Friend’s mom is also a photographer and was wanting to expand her skills and portfolio, so we did a photo shoot with her. Sounds glamourous? Well, it’s not. The way we had the hold the poses actually made us a bit sore. It is, however, great fun. Vast majority of it was goofing off and going “I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair! I whip my hair!” We also exaggerated the poses she had us do and we were pouting and going “Drop the shoulder! Da booty out!” I’m as excited to see the bloopers as I am the finished product because I’m sure those bloopers will be glorious.

We also went out to this local shop that has the best hot chocolate ever.

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I splurged.

Later, Best Friend had her brother- and sister-in-law out too, so it got very chaotic because they’re loud and rambunctious. Lots of yelling and roughhousing. So when they wanted a snowball fight, I bowed out to avoid getting a facewash. But I did join them when they invited me to work out. I lasted about two minutes and paid for it for the next three days. See, they’re all body builders and their workouts are kind of intense. But they let me play with their gymnastic rings.

 

Best Friend’s husband also let me try out his cello. I’ve always wanted to play a cello and wanted to try out some melodies for some music I was writing to see if I’d want a cello in it.

Best Friend also has this divine grand piano. It has the most gorgeous tone. I could sit my ass down on the keys and it’d still sound beautiful. I got to practice on it for a couple hours while they picked up some groceries and it’s the first time in what feels like ages that I’ve actually been in touch with my music.

And I got to ring in the New Year surrounded by friends.

So, what will happen in 2018?

I’m actually kind of excited. I’m twenty-three, rebuilding my family relationships, taking classes with my two favourite professors, have five going on six nieces and nephews, a cat to cuddle, a 3.35 GPA, jeans, a bathingsuit and a sports bra in my new size, new notebooks and pens, and antidepressants, so world, here I come.

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I love notebooks. I hardly ever use them but, ugh, the aesthetic.

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I feel like it was appropriate to have this accompany the picture of my new notebooks.

For the blog, I want to finish the “Break-Up Survival Guide” because, frankly, I want to be done thinking about the whole thing. After that, I’d like to actually post some fashion stuff, particularly information on bra-fitting, and might post some book reviews and also some recipes. And of course, I’ll still be talking about mental health, self-care, school, and life in general.

 

Outside the blog, I want to bring my GPA up to a 3.5, get my full driver’s license, buy a new car, renew my car insurance, pay down my credit card, get all my medical appointments up-to-date, find a new doctor (my old one retired), hang some pictures on my wall, get back into kickboxing again, read lots of books, cook more, and spend more time with family and friends. A friend of mine also wants to jam, so maybe I’ll actually work on some music too.

Basically, what I have planned for this year is just to Make Things Happen.

So, here’s to a promising year. Hello, 2018!

In Which I Have a Lot of Regrets and Complaints

I was supposed to have a work event this past weekend, meaning my ex would definitely be there and possibly his GF, though possibly not since her name got scratched off the sign-up sheet. Since I wanted to know what exactly I’d be in for after four months of not seeing either of them, I had my best friend check to see if they’re still together and yep, they are. They are still in each other’s profile pictures.

And then I just plummeted. (And by the way, I didn’t go. Figured I’d be happier if I just stayed home and studied.)

I guess I’d gotten my hopes up, even though part of me thought them breaking up would be too good to be true. And part of me just wants them broken up just so that means I have some space without them always flirting in front of me. But the other part of me still really misses him and wishes I had just one more chance with him to do things right because I have a lot of regrets and things I would’ve done differently if I’d known better at the time.

When him and I were together, I was under an enormous amount of stress.

First I was in summer school taking a Psych Stats course that requires a C+ or higher in order for me to apply for my major, plus I was still new at my job and learning things and worried that I would screw up and get fired.

Then I was seeing different psychologists to try and get a diagnosis for whether I had a mental disorder, submitting paperwork to my school to apply as a student with a disability, then having to drop out of school to take care of all these appointments and paperwork, which then resulted in StudentAid BC telling me that since I’d dropped out too many times, they would no longer loan me any money. Which is devastating for me because I was still living in poverty and didn’t know how I would pay for school and my receiving BC Housing and child support depends on me being a full-time student, and at the time BC Housing and child support were paying for the roof over my head. Plus this means that I’d sunk about $20, 000 into a degree I now might not get to finish.

Then I had to do more paperwork concerning student loans, which they wanted me to start paying back despite the fact that I am still in school, full-time according to my university since I now have a documented disability, but they won’t acknowledge my disability because I can’t prove that it will last for the rest of my natural life, so therefore I am a “part-time” student and should pay my student loans back. Because eight years of crippling anxiety and depression is not solid enough evidence for them.

I was helping my mom job hunt and rebuilding my relationships with my siblings, which was also stressful, and living in a dump of an apartment that needed constant maintenance because that’s all we could afford.

This all resulted in me being tired all the time. So we didn’t actually go out for dates all that often, but usually stayed in at my place or his. Each time, the plan was to watch a movie, but it got to the point where I felt so tired I didn’t even feel like watching a movie but would rather just cuddle on the couch… which usually ended up with us making out on the couch. I’m not sure where the energy for that came from, but somehow it was there.

I don’t regret going as far as I did with him sexually, but I do wish I’d spent less time making out with him and more time actually talking with him. I wish we’d went out for walks or went out swimming or ice skating or played board games or video games or sat around listening to music or reading books together or even just studying together.

And I just had so much of my own baggage. I never suggested going out to restaurants or movies because I knew he would insist on paying for me as well as him and I hated being a drain on his bank account. He’d made it clear on the first date that he didn’t have a problem paying for me (in fact, I think it makes him feel rather manly), and after date number four, during which I had my “I hate being poor” breakdown, he insisted on paying for my things. He was just trying to take care of me.

But thing is, I like being independent. When someone is always paying for me, I feel like a burden. And he was younger than me and I wanted him to enjoy that. I wanted him to save that money for school or for a trip to his dad’s in Alberta or for that video game he’s had his eye on or on a new book. I didn’t want him spending it all on me.

And during the summer when we’d dated, he was working two jobs, both of them very extraverted while he is rather introverted, then once his summer job was over he was in his first semester of university, taking full-time courses while working close to thirty hours a week. I figured he was tired and he had mentioned being really exhausted so I didn’t suggest actually going out to do something either because I wanted to make sure he was getting the rest he needed.

Now I realize how stupid it was. He was the one who suggested us going for a walk on our Thanksgiving date and he had a great time. He had a great time! He was talkative and energetic and fun. So why did I think he wouldn’t want to go out to actually do stuff? And I’m so mad at myself for not even thinking of just asking him about it.

I wish I’d been more assertive. I wish I’d confronted him on things like him not telling people about us, particularly not telling his mom, and I wish I’d insisted on him telling me at least something about his past relationships. But I never did because I was trying to be respectful of his boundaries and because I didn’t want to be seen as a “nagging”, “clingy” girlfriend (which is an idea our society put into my head, not him).

I wish I’d been more affectionate with him in public. I would hold his hand and put my arm around him in public, but I’d never kissed him in public, not once. Since I didn’t really have any relationship experience, I wasn’t sure what “appropriate” PDA was and didn’t want to offend people, so I didn’t give him a kiss even when I wanted to. And I worried about people walking in on us kissing too. I wonder if that put a damper on things as well.

I wish I wasn’t so scared. Sometimes I wonder if it was my own fear that ended the relationship.

My mom says that she understands my thoughts, but that it takes two to make a relationship work and he wasn’t trying. Which is true. I know the break-up isn’t my fault. He was the one refusing to talk to me that last month of our relationship. But I guess sometimes you just go over it all in your head because if you’re the one who wrecked it maybe you’re the one who can fix it.

I wish I could have another chance, to tell him what I’ve learned and what we could do different. Maybe things would be different with me on antidepressants and taking a lower course load and having less paperwork and appointments and not being so scared of what others think of me and with my mom having a full-time job and us living in a nice place.

And I’m just so confused because I feel like I’ve been dealing with two totally different people in my memories of him. One of those people loves me and thinks I’m just the most wonderful person and is excited to see me and be around me. The other doesn’t care about me at all and is cold and rude. I don’t know how to reconcile them with each other. My world doesn’t even make sense to me. Dating him now, after all that’s happened, doesn’t make sense. But being apart from him doesn’t make sense either.

So I had several breakdowns over the course of this weekend, after which my mother lectured me. I hate being lectured. I’m either being told what I should’ve done differently, which frankly isn’t helpful to me now, or told that life’s not fair and to just get over it.

(I feel like I’m painting a rather negative picture of my mom. She’s actually really great with me most of the time and I’m glad she’s my mom. It’s just that when I’m super close to someone and they get on my nerves, it affects me more than if it’s someone I’m not close to getting on my nerves, so I complain about them more even if they’re great the rest of the time.)

I also overestimated how much medication I had left and ran out, so we wound up having to grab that on the way to my brother’s place so I had it for exam time. So we wound up being an hour late, which my brother was fine with, but my mom lectured me in the car about how I need to plan ahead or write things down and how now this is affecting my brother and his family. And I just said “‘Kay” and kept my mouth shut. Sometimes I want to say “Can’t you see I’m already doing the best I can? Can’t you accept that sometimes things just slip my mind? Can’t you see I already hate myself for being a burden on my loved ones?” But I don’t because it would worry her and she worries about me enough already.

It’s been tight financially. Obviously, having to come up with like, $2000-$3000 out of nowhere to get moved took its toll, but we had to shell out even more money because now that my mom finally has a medical plan, she had to catch up on all the medical appointments that have had to be neglected for the past, mmm… seven years or so. Which was another $1000. And then there’s gas money to get to and from work from us both. Plus Christmas shopping. Plus I needed a new sports bra and new pajamas.

In short, we didn’t have much money for groceries so I haven’t eaten much this week. As I’ve already referenced, when I don’t eat enough, my thoughts wander to places they shouldn’t and my muscles get sore and it’s harder to sleep so I just feel like crap.

And then of course, there are final exams. Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. Sunday was spent getting my medication then visiting with my brother and his family then studying super late then having that breakdown and then more studying and then yesterday morning I had one of my finals then work, so I wound up being up for over thirty hours with only a nap for sleep.

I’m also taking on more hours at work next semester, which means I’ll have to go to staff meetings, which means my ex will be there and his GF too unless I get lucky and she has a class at that time. I’m really dreading it because being around them all summer really messed me up and I never want to go through that again. Honestly, I’m petrified.

Again, my moods have been all over the place. There are some days where I’m passionate and opinionated and alive and am interested in all these things and love learning and am a genius and will one day do great things and feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. Then other days, like these days, nothing that used to make me happy makes me happy, I feel like I have no personal interests or hobbies, and just feel like this boring, empty shell of a human being that never gets anything done.

I’ve been trying really hard to be positive but lately it’s been falling short. If you believe in prayer, I would really appreciate you praying for me.