“Give him a chance; you might be surprised.”
Just to clarify, people aren’t saying this about my ex (that would be “give him another chance”; I imagine that would be pretty annoying too); they’re saying this whenever any guy within ten years of my age shows any kind of interest in me. Even if that interest if just friendly on his part (No, that coworker who’s eight years older than me doesn’t have a crush on me, he just talks to me because we work together), or, more commonly nowadays, just friendly on my part (I just like talking to interesting people and sometimes, it just so happens that men are interesting. Shocker, right?), people still think we ought to be dating.
Firstly… Oi! Why are people so invested in me starting dating again?! I spent most of my life being single without anyone being bothered by it, but now that I’ve gone through a break-up, everyone thinks me staying single is a sign of me being unhealthy and is in a hurry to get me dating/married. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST TWENTY-FOUR YEARS?! SINGLEDOM IS PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR ME!!!
I understand that you want me to be happy, but dating before I’m ready and being in a romantic relationship with someone I’m not even remotely attracted to who I can’t even bear to think of kissing is not going to make me happy. I don’t know everything about what I want for my life, but I do know that.
Second, why is it that whenever a guy who’s any kind of decent shows interest in me, I have to give him a chance? I don’t hear guys being told to ask out a girl he’s not attracted to just because she’s nice, to “just give her a chance”, but if a guy I’m not attracted to asks me out, I’m just supposed to go along with it just because he’s nice? Sweetheart, “nice” is setting the bar pretty low. Almost everyone I know is “nice”. Just because we’re both straight and in the same age bracket doesn’t mean we want to date each other. Being a straight woman doesn’t mean I’m attracted to anything male that moves and possesses some kind of conscience, I’m a little more selective than that.
“You might be surprised.” Orrrr maybe I won’t? Maybe I’ll meet, date, and marry a guy that I was attracted to right from the start and we’ll commit to each other and do what it takes to make each other happy and stay in love and we’ll be married for the rest of our lives like my grandparents are (ahem, another attraction-from-day-one success story) and I’ll be laying on me deathbed and beckon for you to come closer and then with my dying breath, whisper “I told you so.”
Really, I’m just so sick of hearing this, so sick of wondering what’s wrong with me, why I can’t be attracted to these nice, kind, and interesting men who want me, because let’s face it, that’s what happens in my head every time I’m told “Just give him a chance.” Then I remember that my ex was nice, kind, and interesting, so it’s not like I’m attracted to the mythical “bad boy”. I’m not attracted to what’s not good for me. My spidey-senses are working just fine, thank you.
This whole give-him-a-chance thing also causes a lot of confusion for me. I feel guilty for not giving him a chance, then guilty when I do give him a chance and it turns out I’m not attracted to him and can’t do this relationship thing with him after all, then it’s “You shouldn’t have led him on” when I’m just doing exactly what people are badgering me to do: giving him a chance.
And it’s so annoying because the people I hear this from are people who are in long-term romantic relationships with people they were attracted to right from the start! I don’t know how you can feel that attraction, that love, that passion, and then turn around and tell someone to settle and live without it. And I’ve had that attraction, that love, that passion, I know what it feels like and how to recognize it and I refuse to enter a relationship without it.
I know that it takes more than attraction to make a relationship last, I’m not an idiot, but attraction is still important and should still be a part of it. I mean, isn’t attraction one of the things that sets romantic relationships apart from other types of relationships? If so, than attraction must be part of the equation, and attraction can’t be flipped on and off like a switch whenever you want.
“But maybe you don’t know how to be attracted to someone because you love him too much?” Okay. Maybe so. In which case, I’m in no state to be dating again anyways so the point is moot.
Really, this is all a head trip that I don’t want to be on.
The Intersection of Everything 