03/23/2018

Post-Breakup-Pre-New-Girlfriend Carpooling:

Ex: Hey, if you like I could us drive home from work, if you don’t mind me driving your car.

Me: *really tired, gratefully hands over keys*

Ex: *sits in driver’s seat of cat* Woah, your driver’s seat feels really weird… I mean, but if you like it it’s okay.

Me: *laughs* My mom always says it feels weird.

Ex: *talks whole way home*

 

I need to get a new driver’s seat for my car because it seems to be throwing my back out. Before I moved, this wasn’t a problem, but now I have to commute to work and school so I’m spending more hours in this awful seat, and by golly, my ex and my mom were right: the driver’s seat does feel REALLY weird.

Adult life is just so expensive.

I had to shell out four hundred dollars to fix the heat in my car, since it’s not safe to drive around in BC without a working defrost. And gas is just astronomically expensive, a dollar fifty or more per litre. I remember it costing only sixty-five cents when I was a kid. But at least I don’t have to drive my mom’s gas-guzzler anymore, which halves the money I spend on gas.

I also have to pay down my racked-up credit card, which still hasn’t recovered from the six-hundred dollars I needed to replace my brakes, or the three-hundred to fix my mom’s car, or the other three-hundred to fix my driver’s window after it got broken into.

Also, I need new shoes because most of mine are either throwing my back out or quite literally falling apart and I don’t understand how my mom’s shoes last forever and mine wear out so fast even though we buy from the same companies. Do I just walk really weird?

And I could really use some new jackets, since my old ones are really baggy and uncomfortable ever since I lost that weight last year.

And I’ve had so many doctor’s appointments. Thanks to my driver’s seat and my shoes and who knows what else, I’ve had to see the chiropractor twice this month and still haven’t entirely fixed all the damage done. Then I had my eye doctor appointment and discovered that my prescription has changed and that my eyesight is horrible. Then I’ll have to buy new contacts (I’ve been wearing the same pair for the past four months) and glasses. Next I’ll have to see the podiatrist about my orthotics which I haven’t replaced since I was a sophomore in high school. Then it’ll be the dentist for my regular check-up, fillings, and probably getting my wisdom teeth out which freaks me out because I’m terrified of needles and don’t know what to do about it. Which means I’ll probably need to talk to my psychologist. Thankfully, I do get reimbursed for this, but until I do, I’m hundreds of dollars short.

(At least the doctor at the walk-in clinic upped my anti-depressant dosage and it turns out that these meds are compatible with the sedation at the dentist’s. No, I have not found a new family physician. All the doctors around here appear to be taken.)

Tuition for the summer will probably be around another eight hundred dollars but the class hours make it so I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which costs me a few hundred dollars every month.

A lot of my conversations with my friends revolve around how expensive everything is.

However, Ex’s GF was actually pretty decent this week. I’m not sure if someone noticed that I was upset last week and talked to her about her behaviour, or if she had a crisis of conscience, or if I just got lucky, but there wasn’t any flirting that day. The staff meeting got cancelled so we just had to find some chores to do for the next hour or so, so I asked her and Ex to look over some forms since I was the only person who’d read through and signed on them so far, but she was really respectful and it was just really nice to see the girl I actually like again.

As for Ex, I don’t really know what to do with him. While GF was decent, he was moody and taciturn. Not directly at me or anything, just in general. However, it’s a different kind of moody. Lately, he’s been moody with an attitude problem, but this week it was the kind of moodiness that seems to stem from him being uncomfortable, not from being conceited. I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t know what to do with me any more than I know what to do with him.

And my thoughts and feelings towards him still fluctuate daily. I miss him, or at least the person he was while we were dating, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life with the person he’s being right now. And even if he became the person he once was again and we got together again, would I even be happy with him? Can we learn from our mistakes? Could I trust him again, or would I just be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Could we ever have again what we once had? Or would we both be better off with different people?

I know I need to stop thinking like that. It doesn’t make me happy. But there are days when once that first thought of him pops into my head, those thoughts just flood in and I can’t stop thinking about them even though I really don’t want to and even though I know it’s not good for me, I can’t for the life of me figure out what else to fill my mind with. Especially since Ex and her are reaching the one-year mark right about now.

Anyway.

I am supposed to be doing homework right now, y’know. End-of-semester crunch and all that. But I’m having one of those days where I just can’t focus and have this fidgety energy and tension that is just ever present, so concentrating on my homework is difficult at the moment.

I managed to get through a chapter of my philosophy readings today, so one more chapter to go for that plus a couple short written-answer assignments (including several overdue ones), but I feel like I didn’t glean a whole lot from the readings so far. I’m not sure if my brain is just having an off-day, or if these readings are full of logical fallacies and that’s why they aren’t making the most sense, or maybe because one of the papers I had to read is literally two hundred years old.

But my midterms are done! The first midterm, which my prof let me rewrite since I couldn’t remember a thing when my grandpa was in the hospital, was a B+, which is awesome because she has really tough essay questions and marks hard. I think that’s about a full letter grade above the rest of the class. I haven’t heard back about the second one because end-of-semester crunch means she hasn’t gotten around to marking them all yet, but I’m confident I passed, which at this point I’m satisfied with.

This summer I’ll be taking that course I was going to take last summer. I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which sucks, but once I finish this class, I can take any third-year psych course I want, which I’m really looking forward to.

A friend of mine is also getting married this summer, which I’m really excited about, though that means I’ll have to set aside money for a gift for the happy couple and to get a dress to wear for the wedding. But I was checking her Facebook page to get some more info on the wedding (like the dress code) but instead found nothing but Christianese. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits and I’m Christian myself and love being a Christian and love Jesus and God and morality and have had some really enlightening conversations with her, but if I see any more Bible verses taken out of context or poorly thought-through interpretations of the Bible or cherry-picking of the scientific literature, I am going to scream. Once again I am reminded how much I love the Unfollow feature on Facebook and why I’ve unfollowed everyone I’ve friended.

My grandpa’s doing better now that he’s out of the hospital. We’re having to make adjustments to make sure him and my grandma are getting all that they need, which can be stressful, but we’re just thankful to have them with us still.

My mom’s also been sore because a couple months ago she got into a little car accident where she was backed into in a parking lot. This week we found out that she has a concussion, which I’ve been thinking for a while since she’s been dizzy, nauseous, and depressed, but she didn’t have a chance to see a doctor about it until now.

So her and I have been looking out for each other whenever one of us has a bad day. Little things bother her more than they used to and she’s weepy a lot and hating it, but at least we have a better idea of what’s going on with her head now that the doctor realized she has a concussion.

My hands are also sore because I had to help hold boards for board breaks in one of the martial arts classes. It’s an advanced class and most of the students there that day were black belts who were bigger than me. One of them broke the board I was holding so thoroughly that the two pieces flew out of my hands and across the room; one piece landed neatly in the box. It was actually rather magnificent and I wish we caught it on video. At least no one kicked my fingers. But the swelling in my one hand still hasn’t gone down so I think I need to get innovative and attach some padding to my hands to absorb the impact.

And of course my body is sore from the chiropractor readjusting everything and I’m carrying myself differently and using different muscles trying to keep everything from going back to the (wrong) place it was in before (which made me sore too).

And my period came a full week early, which was an unpleasant surprise, but I guess that’s just what happens when one is too stressed out.

So that’s been my life: work, school, and bills.

I’ve been so busy trying to stay on top of everything and trying to get it all organized, I haven’t had time for much else. I’ve missed writing on the blog. It’s very cathartic, gets out a lot of my frantic negative energy. I prefer this to the medium of journaling so I’ve just dropped journaling for blogging.

But hey, I just finished another installment of the Break-Up Survival Guide (Depression and Anxiety Edition)! I’m so happy because maybe I’ll finally get the thing finished in a the next couple months, which will be a big project I can cross off my to-do list.

And now I must go, for I still have more philosophy homework plus an absurd amount of Women’s Studies and that means reading sociology papers which takes forever, and I’m going to visit my brother and his family so I’m going to play with my two favourite little girlies and snuggle my adorable oldest nephew. TTFN (Ta-ta for now)!

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It’s Midterm Season

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(Note: I have no idea who did this great comic. I found it on Pinterest, saved it onto my computer and deleted my pin, so… yeah, can’t give credit where it’s due. Oh, and happy miserable Valentine’s Day.)

In Which I Have a Lot of Regrets and Complaints

I was supposed to have a work event this past weekend, meaning my ex would definitely be there and possibly his GF, though possibly not since her name got scratched off the sign-up sheet. Since I wanted to know what exactly I’d be in for after four months of not seeing either of them, I had my best friend check to see if they’re still together and yep, they are. They are still in each other’s profile pictures.

And then I just plummeted. (And by the way, I didn’t go. Figured I’d be happier if I just stayed home and studied.)

I guess I’d gotten my hopes up, even though part of me thought them breaking up would be too good to be true. And part of me just wants them broken up just so that means I have some space without them always flirting in front of me. But the other part of me still really misses him and wishes I had just one more chance with him to do things right because I have a lot of regrets and things I would’ve done differently if I’d known better at the time.

When him and I were together, I was under an enormous amount of stress.

First I was in summer school taking a Psych Stats course that requires a C+ or higher in order for me to apply for my major, plus I was still new at my job and learning things and worried that I would screw up and get fired.

Then I was seeing different psychologists to try and get a diagnosis for whether I had a mental disorder, submitting paperwork to my school to apply as a student with a disability, then having to drop out of school to take care of all these appointments and paperwork, which then resulted in StudentAid BC telling me that since I’d dropped out too many times, they would no longer loan me any money. Which is devastating for me because I was still living in poverty and didn’t know how I would pay for school and my receiving BC Housing and child support depends on me being a full-time student, and at the time BC Housing and child support were paying for the roof over my head. Plus this means that I’d sunk about $20, 000 into a degree I now might not get to finish.

Then I had to do more paperwork concerning student loans, which they wanted me to start paying back despite the fact that I am still in school, full-time according to my university since I now have a documented disability, but they won’t acknowledge my disability because I can’t prove that it will last for the rest of my natural life, so therefore I am a “part-time” student and should pay my student loans back. Because eight years of crippling anxiety and depression is not solid enough evidence for them.

I was helping my mom job hunt and rebuilding my relationships with my siblings, which was also stressful, and living in a dump of an apartment that needed constant maintenance because that’s all we could afford.

This all resulted in me being tired all the time. So we didn’t actually go out for dates all that often, but usually stayed in at my place or his. Each time, the plan was to watch a movie, but it got to the point where I felt so tired I didn’t even feel like watching a movie but would rather just cuddle on the couch… which usually ended up with us making out on the couch. I’m not sure where the energy for that came from, but somehow it was there.

I don’t regret going as far as I did with him sexually, but I do wish I’d spent less time making out with him and more time actually talking with him. I wish we’d went out for walks or went out swimming or ice skating or played board games or video games or sat around listening to music or reading books together or even just studying together.

And I just had so much of my own baggage. I never suggested going out to restaurants or movies because I knew he would insist on paying for me as well as him and I hated being a drain on his bank account. He’d made it clear on the first date that he didn’t have a problem paying for me (in fact, I think it makes him feel rather manly), and after date number four, during which I had my “I hate being poor” breakdown, he insisted on paying for my things. He was just trying to take care of me.

But thing is, I like being independent. When someone is always paying for me, I feel like a burden. And he was younger than me and I wanted him to enjoy that. I wanted him to save that money for school or for a trip to his dad’s in Alberta or for that video game he’s had his eye on or on a new book. I didn’t want him spending it all on me.

And during the summer when we’d dated, he was working two jobs, both of them very extraverted while he is rather introverted, then once his summer job was over he was in his first semester of university, taking full-time courses while working close to thirty hours a week. I figured he was tired and he had mentioned being really exhausted so I didn’t suggest actually going out to do something either because I wanted to make sure he was getting the rest he needed.

Now I realize how stupid it was. He was the one who suggested us going for a walk on our Thanksgiving date and he had a great time. He had a great time! He was talkative and energetic and fun. So why did I think he wouldn’t want to go out to actually do stuff? And I’m so mad at myself for not even thinking of just asking him about it.

I wish I’d been more assertive. I wish I’d confronted him on things like him not telling people about us, particularly not telling his mom, and I wish I’d insisted on him telling me at least something about his past relationships. But I never did because I was trying to be respectful of his boundaries and because I didn’t want to be seen as a “nagging”, “clingy” girlfriend (which is an idea our society put into my head, not him).

I wish I’d been more affectionate with him in public. I would hold his hand and put my arm around him in public, but I’d never kissed him in public, not once. Since I didn’t really have any relationship experience, I wasn’t sure what “appropriate” PDA was and didn’t want to offend people, so I didn’t give him a kiss even when I wanted to. And I worried about people walking in on us kissing too. I wonder if that put a damper on things as well.

I wish I wasn’t so scared. Sometimes I wonder if it was my own fear that ended the relationship.

My mom says that she understands my thoughts, but that it takes two to make a relationship work and he wasn’t trying. Which is true. I know the break-up isn’t my fault. He was the one refusing to talk to me that last month of our relationship. But I guess sometimes you just go over it all in your head because if you’re the one who wrecked it maybe you’re the one who can fix it.

I wish I could have another chance, to tell him what I’ve learned and what we could do different. Maybe things would be different with me on antidepressants and taking a lower course load and having less paperwork and appointments and not being so scared of what others think of me and with my mom having a full-time job and us living in a nice place.

And I’m just so confused because I feel like I’ve been dealing with two totally different people in my memories of him. One of those people loves me and thinks I’m just the most wonderful person and is excited to see me and be around me. The other doesn’t care about me at all and is cold and rude. I don’t know how to reconcile them with each other. My world doesn’t even make sense to me. Dating him now, after all that’s happened, doesn’t make sense. But being apart from him doesn’t make sense either.

So I had several breakdowns over the course of this weekend, after which my mother lectured me. I hate being lectured. I’m either being told what I should’ve done differently, which frankly isn’t helpful to me now, or told that life’s not fair and to just get over it.

(I feel like I’m painting a rather negative picture of my mom. She’s actually really great with me most of the time and I’m glad she’s my mom. It’s just that when I’m super close to someone and they get on my nerves, it affects me more than if it’s someone I’m not close to getting on my nerves, so I complain about them more even if they’re great the rest of the time.)

I also overestimated how much medication I had left and ran out, so we wound up having to grab that on the way to my brother’s place so I had it for exam time. So we wound up being an hour late, which my brother was fine with, but my mom lectured me in the car about how I need to plan ahead or write things down and how now this is affecting my brother and his family. And I just said “‘Kay” and kept my mouth shut. Sometimes I want to say “Can’t you see I’m already doing the best I can? Can’t you accept that sometimes things just slip my mind? Can’t you see I already hate myself for being a burden on my loved ones?” But I don’t because it would worry her and she worries about me enough already.

It’s been tight financially. Obviously, having to come up with like, $2000-$3000 out of nowhere to get moved took its toll, but we had to shell out even more money because now that my mom finally has a medical plan, she had to catch up on all the medical appointments that have had to be neglected for the past, mmm… seven years or so. Which was another $1000. And then there’s gas money to get to and from work from us both. Plus Christmas shopping. Plus I needed a new sports bra and new pajamas.

In short, we didn’t have much money for groceries so I haven’t eaten much this week. As I’ve already referenced, when I don’t eat enough, my thoughts wander to places they shouldn’t and my muscles get sore and it’s harder to sleep so I just feel like crap.

And then of course, there are final exams. Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. Sunday was spent getting my medication then visiting with my brother and his family then studying super late then having that breakdown and then more studying and then yesterday morning I had one of my finals then work, so I wound up being up for over thirty hours with only a nap for sleep.

I’m also taking on more hours at work next semester, which means I’ll have to go to staff meetings, which means my ex will be there and his GF too unless I get lucky and she has a class at that time. I’m really dreading it because being around them all summer really messed me up and I never want to go through that again. Honestly, I’m petrified.

Again, my moods have been all over the place. There are some days where I’m passionate and opinionated and alive and am interested in all these things and love learning and am a genius and will one day do great things and feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. Then other days, like these days, nothing that used to make me happy makes me happy, I feel like I have no personal interests or hobbies, and just feel like this boring, empty shell of a human being that never gets anything done.

I’ve been trying really hard to be positive but lately it’s been falling short. If you believe in prayer, I would really appreciate you praying for me.

November in a Nutshell

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My accomplishments for November include:

Getting moved.

Completing three papers in one week, two of them in one sitting, the other one being the Lit Review From Hell that I’ve been anxiously procrastinating on all semester.

Miraculously getting caught up on my reading for school after draining all of my cognitive energy on the Lit Review From Hell.

Being confident about crushing finals.

Signing up for next semester’s classes.

Having my moods so all over the place that I almost wonder if I’m bipolar except I’m probably not because I don’t have manic highs, I’m just moody and depressed.

Going for a walk in my new neighbourhood, which is very nice, and finding a giant maple leaf, which I brought home for my mom because she used to tell me about how when she lived in Ontario there were these maple leafs over a foot across.

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A photo of me holding that maple leaf, so you all know I am not kidding about it being a GIANT maple leaf.

 

Stopping at the thrift store and running into a random old lady who started giving me advice about hats because the one I was trying on was too baggy at the back so she went and grabbed me a different hat to try on, which she thought looked very nice on me. She also told me to wash it by hand and that I could let it dry stretched over a coffee tin to help it keep its shape. I still wound up buying my original hat, since I prefer floppy knit hats, but it was sweet of her.

Going grocery shopping and initiating a normal conversation with the cashier.

Watching two seasons of Supernatural and royally screwing up my sleep schedule doing it.

Painting my nails, even my fingernails, which never happens since, well, honestly, it feels really weird playing the piano with painted fingernails. Like, weirder than playing with gloves.

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Ta-da!

 

20171019_155055Finding toe socks!

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I haven’t seen these since I was a kid. You have no idea how excited I am.

 

Discovering my new favourite things on the Internet (Why My Kid Is Crying, James Breakwell, Misha Collins talking about his kids, and anything that pokes fun at Luke Skywalker and/or Kylo Ren).

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An example of my favourite things: Misha Collins talking about his son West.

 

Seeing my doctor, my chiropractor, and my massage therapist. Also, getting my medication dosage increased, hallelujah.

Watching Hidden Figures–again– with my mom, then having a great conversation about health.

Visiting a friend in her and her husband’s now fully renovated basement suite and having a wonderful discussion about school, finances, politics, health care, and psychological disorders.

Playing with my adorable youngest nephew.

Attending martial arts classes and Instilling Terror Into The Hearts Of Men.

Attending martial arts classes and being slammed into the ground by a teenager who is a higher belt than me but still hasn’t grasped the execution of taking someone down gently.

Eating food on my bed while using three of my four limbs to keep the cat from shoving her nosy face in it.

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Spending an hour every morning laying in bed, cuddling with my cat.

Writing and editing some blog stuff.

And going through some clothes and getting rid of several bags’ worth.

My cat’s accomplishments for November include:

Sitting on the floor and looking up at me with sad eyes while I watched a movie on the new couch that’s she’s not supposed to be on (because her claws tear the material), ultimately persuading me to let her up on the couch (I put her quilt up for her) and persuading Mom to change her mind about the “no cat on the couch” rule.

Getting on the windowsill all by herself and watching the goings on of the great outdoors.

Turning sixteen.

So, yeah, we’ve made it through another month. Hurrah.

I Feel Filthy and I Instill Terror into the Hearts of Men

Tomorrow is moving day, at long last. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to the banana boxes that we’ve been using to pack our stuff up in because I’ve been super itchy ever since we brought the boxes into the apartment. I’m probably going to wash all my clothing once I unpack it. Thankfully, the new place has an in-suite washer and dryer, so I don’t have to pay four dollars for every load I do.

To try and make my last night here bearable, I vacuumed the carpet, which turned it from dark grey to beige, and took a shower, but I still feel itchy and filthy both inside and out.

I also have these lovely bruises from walking into our furniture, which is antique and made of solid– very, very solid– wood. I get more bruises from this furniture than I do from practicing martial arts. If a burglar broke into the place, I wouldn’t even need to grab a weapon to defend myself. I could just push them into the nearest piece of furniture and they’d be out for the count.

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All from the same table.

Right now I’m procrastinating. I should be finishing (ahem, starting) that essay that’s due next class, but I can’t concentrate because everything is so chaotic. Everything is packed up in those nasty, itchy boxes and those boxes are everywhere, crowding in and taking up space. So instead I’ve been spamming my friends with memes. And letting Buzzfeed guess my relationship status:

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Buzzfeed failed miserably. Also, why does it show a picture of Carl and Ellie from Up and then say not to have a kid?! Carl and Ellie desperately wanted a kid!

I’m not sure how I’m going to get the essay done on time. I just realized this weekend that, since I need four studies to examine in my essay, I could’ve just looked at one study each weekend for the past month and I could’ve had all that read and be writing the actual essay, but I didn’t plan ahead or pace myself. So now I have to read at least four studies to figure out which ones I want to write on and I happen to find reading about cognitive psychology studies rather boring and abstract.

And it’s only being marked for completion, not content, so if I don’t get it done, I’m losing an easy four percent. So I’m a bit frustrated with myself.

But I got an A on one of my midterms! Twenty percent above the class average! Whoo! That’s what happens when I don’t take my studying too seriously, so I’m thinking maybe all these ways that “successful” people write about in their books on how to study aren’t for me and that doing what they tell me to do will just freak me out and screw me up.

And I managed to pull a B on my other exam, which is a relief because I felt like I bullshitted half of it.

I did my belt testing a couple weeks ago and am now moved into the next class up, which is cool. One of the men in my class has started to refer to me as Romanoff. If Halloween fell on a class day, I would’ve dressed up as Black Widow because I think he’d get a kick out of it, but it doesn’t so I guess I’ll save it for next year.

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I googled her to figure out what I would need to make a good Black Widow costume. I love that Wikipedia felt the need to specify that she is a fictional superhero. As opposed to a real-life flesh and blood hero, cuz we have so many of those in our reality.

Also, one of the second degree black belts does not want to spar me. There’s this one guy that nobody ever wants to spar because he hits hard and this black belt wants to spar me about as much as he wants to spar this other guy. Apparently the fact that I can easily kick to the head is a little intimidating.

So I told my best friend about this and she responded with, “So you instill terror into the hearts of men?”. Now whenever I’m feeling down, I will tell myself that “I am Romanoff and I instill terror into the hearts of men!”

My best friend also mailed me this card and this weird package of gum because she missed me.

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The inside reads “IT WAS REVOLUTIONARY”. I showed it to my mom and she was like “I don’t get it.” I told her people wore powdered wigs around the time of the French Revolution and that’s how I discovered my mom did not know what a powdered wig was.

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I really have no idea where Best Friend finds this stuff.

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I really don’t.

I also learned how to reverse stall park, which I’m rather proud of. Didn’t have a problem with parallel parking but reverse stall parking was always a struggle. So maybe I’ll test for my full license soon.

So yeah. And I just dropped my mac n’ cheese on the ground, so I think maybe I need to sleep. G’night.

Crushing Homework is Not Going As Planned

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She’s soaking up the information through the cover by laying on it.

 

 

Well, my plans for tonight fell through. My plans of doing homework, that is. I have midterms in the next two weeks and I still haven’t started on my two papers yet. One is due in a week and a half and the other at the end of October. I’m pretty up-to-date on my readings, but I have only taken three chapters of notes out of, like, twelve chapters so far. I was going to power through the note-taking because how hard could it be? I already read and highlighted the stuff. But it took me all day to get just one chapter of notes. Chapters are around forty pages and are really information-dense so reading takes about five hours per chapter even when I’m not taking notes.

My mom thinks I’m expecting too much of myself. “I thought everyone worked on their school like this,” I said, but once I said that, I realized that maybe that’s not true. When I glance at other students in the class, most of them have printed out the PowerPoint slides that the professor posts before class and they fill in notes as the prof lectures and goes over the slides.

Whereas I’ve insisted on taking my own notes from the textbook and then integrating the professor’s notes into them. The plan was to get the notes done before class so that way I already have all the important ideas written down so I can just listen to the professor and add in anything in the lecture that’s not in the textbooks. But I’ve only done the readings and no note-taking, though I still just sit and listen in class and participate in class discussions.

I would’ve worked on (and agonized over) my homework today, but Mom said last night that I need rest. When I woke up exhausted this morning and then wonder of wonders, joy of joys, my period decided to show up, I thought maybe she was right, so today has been a day of rest for me.

I started the day off cuddling my cat. She was laying up by my pillow and purring really loud. I think she knew I was tired and hungry and sick and sore, so she was trying to make me feel better. Then I ate breakfast and went for a shower then I finished reading a book, did some packing and some cleaning, got all my laundry done, and posted two more things on the blog.

Tonight I will get a good sleep, then tomorrow I will start by reading the one chapter I didn’t read so that’s done for Monday’s lecture, take my notes as I read it, then I will read some research studies and narrow down which ones I want to use for my literature review, then I will review the PowerPoint slides. If I have time, I will get a bit caught up on my backlog of note-taking.

So that is my game plan for tomorrow. Here’s hoping I actually do it!

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Perks of being a psych major: Googling APA citation and finding Publication Manual of the American Psychological Ass

This Past Week’s Been Rather Tough and I’m Overwhelmed

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I think I am a sassmaster. I had this one dream where my ex was bragging about how smart his girlfriend was and she was acting all proud and I just said, “She can’t be that smart. She’s still dating you” and they just looked puzzled and offended and my one co-worker was like, “Ooh, ouch!” That’s the only dream containing my ex’s girlfriend that I’ve actually enjoyed. But it makes me kind of scared to run into them because I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my big mouth shut if I do and will probably get myself into trouble.

Anyway, it was Thanksgiving last weekend. We had my mom’s boyfriend and his daughter out for Thanksgiving, which was fun, but we also babysat my nieces and nephew the day before and I had to write that paper so I was pretty tired by the end of the weekend.

I keep remembering that Thanksgiving last year, I spent the morning and afternoon with my boyfriend because we had the day off work and school. We drove around town and he showed me these places he often goes and we went for lunch at this place he usually goes with his family and walked around in the park close to where he used to live, holding hands and talking the whole time.

So I’m sad because I don’t get to do that anymore and I know he’s probably doing something with her for Thanksgiving and that she actually gets to do dinner with his family, which I never got to do because he never told them about me even though I was under the impression that we were kinda serious. So, yeah, I’m sad.

And this past week whenever I’m sad my mom tells me it’s been nine months since we broke up and I need to get over him and let go and that he doesn’t deserve me and now I just nod and try not to throw up my hands and scream “I KNOW, OKAY!?” I know she’s trying to help, but I’m so sick of being told what to do and what to think and what to feel. I’m sick of being told that I need to get better “somehow”. “Somehow” is useless. I can’t make a game plan off of “somehow”, I need a bit more information to go off of than that!

And I feel like every time I have a bad day where I’m feeling down, she acts like I’ve been like that forever even though I’ve made so many improvements lately. I wish she would just stop giving me advice (since it’s nothing I haven’t already figured out for myself) and just let me cry for a bit.

I’m also emotional because next Monday is the first time in almost two months that I’ll have to work with my ex. I know I’ll do fine, because I’m awesome at my job, and because last time him and I worked together, we actually kind of had fun, but the thought of seeing him and knowing he’s with someone else really hurts.

I also had my car broken into because there’s no door on the underground parking in my apartment complex and some genius left a broom down there and guess what was used to break my driver’s window? Nothing was stolen, so clearly they did not find what they’d hoped to find, but I had to file a police report, vacuum out the glass, miss a day of work because I’m stranded at home, and then shell out a $300 deductible to get my window fixed.

I was very tempted to leave a snarky note on my car the next night, like “Hope you find something valuable in here, like your conscience” or “Don’t bother, you didn’t like anything in here last time”, but figured that would be interpreted as asking for trouble.

BUT! I am pleased to announce that I am moving! My mom and I found a basement suite close to where she works and it’s much smaller (and more expensive, unfortunately) so we’ll have to downsize, but it’ll be worth it to actually have a standard of living again. I will not miss this place at all. I feel like all the misery I’ve felt over the past two years has been absorbed into the very walls of this place and that I’m breathing it in like a toxic gas or mold spores or something.

So, the place is a mess because, hey, that’s moving, and it’s very distracting for me. I’m constantly walking into boxes and clipping my shoulder on things as I walk by and it’s hard to find space to do my homework on.

And I have a lot of homework to do.

For my one class, there’s a major paper due at the end of October that I have barely even started on. It’s just the rough draft due, which only counts for 5%, and the good draft isn’t due until mid-November but that good draft counts for a quarter of my grade and I want to give myself enough time to work on it. For my other class, I have another three papers to write over the course of the semester and I don’t even know what to do my next paper on. And in both classes, I have midterms to study for and though I’ve done all the readings up to date and attended the lectures, I haven’t taken my notes yet so I have to do that this weekend along with getting a start on those papers.

And it smells weird in the apartment, like someone rubbed their armpits all over the place, not even kidding and we’ve cleaned pretty much everything and that smell is still there and that is just depressing. It’s been like this for months and it’s not the furniture and it’s not the laundry and it’s not us, so I guess it’s the apartment itself.

And I need to submit some receipts to my health insurance and apply for bursaries and make an appointment to get the cat to the vet before we move.

And I’m worried about my cat because she’s old and arthritic and I don’t want her to die.

And we ran out of laundry money, which means I have a huge pile of laundry– including my bedsheets that are dirty from my cat laying all over them– taking up space and that I can’t make my bed until they’re clean, which is distracting.

And between the deductible for my window and the damage deposit and the pet deposit, things are very tight financially, which means I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for my cat to go to the vet, or how I’m going to buy sparring gear that I need for my martial arts class, or how I’m going to pay for massage therapy which I would really like because everything hurts, or how I’m going to buy a new sports bra which I need since my old one doesn’t fit anymore. And I’m just so sick of having no money.

And I weighed myself and thought I was gaining weight and I was so excited. “Mom! I’m 125!” I shouted. She was excited at first then looked at me and said, “Are you sure? You don’t look 125. You look more like 115.” She looked at the scale and it turns out the thing isn’t working quite right and that it’s set forward ten pounds. So I’m not 125 pounds. I’m only 115, which is even less than what I weighed when I weighed myself at the doctor’s and decided to work harder to gain weight. I just wanted to cry because I’ve been working so hard and nothing is happening and my old clothes don’t fit and I can’t even wear my favourite pair of jeans anymore and same goes for all of my really nice bras and bathingsuits.

And I’ve just been so sore lately. My whole body hurts all day and I’ve been getting sharp pains in my arms and chest. I haven’t had them for years, since I was in high school, I think. I know the pain is from anxiety because I’ve already had my heart and stuff tested a couple times, but, ugh, I thought I was done with the anxiety pains. Granted, I’d rather have the anxiety pains in my body than the crippling panic thoughts I’ve had over the past six months and the headaches from crying so long and hard over those thoughts, but it’s certainly not fantastic.

And I was going to get together with a friend of mine and watch movies with her, but she cancelled because her parents planned something for them instead so now I will be at home, doing homework, so I want to cry because my whole life looks like homework right now.

And I haven’t really had the time and energy to work on the blog (I told myself I had to complete my paper first) and I’ve really missed it. I feel like school is taking up all my resources then wonder if maybe my problem is that I’ve been spending too much time on Pinterest and that’s what’s eating up my time. I decided that since I can’t focus on homework right now, I might as well write this and get it off my chest. At least I’ll get something I want done this weekend.

Really, though, I think it was that damn paper that did me in. All that other stuff is a lot, but working so long and hard on that paper really exhausted me. And it’s hit me how much more self-care I need than other people in my life. I need more rest to recover from even normal stressors. It’s taken me all week to recover from writing that paper and I dread having four more like it. I’m just glad I’m only taking two courses this semester because I could not keep up with more than that right now.

And it takes me literally all day to eat because of feeling sick to the stomach, which is why it’s been so hard for me to gain weight since eating takes so long that sometimes I’ll decide eating is just too much work and go to bed. This is what I mean when I say I have a disability. I might be able walk and run and speak and move like I’m able, but so many daily functions like just eating take such a toll on me.

There. I should be done complaining for a bit. I know things will get better. It’s just been a tough week, having one “bad day” after another. Next week will be better, I’m sure. And next month better yet once I’m in my new home.

Now it’s time to go crush some homework.