Ex: Hey, if you like I could us drive home from work, if you don’t mind me driving your car.
Me: *really tired, gratefully hands over keys*
Ex: *sits in driver’s seat of cat* Woah, your driver’s seat feels really weird… I mean, but if you like it it’s okay.
Me: *laughs* My mom always says it feels weird.
Ex: *talks whole way home*
I need to get a new driver’s seat for my car because it seems to be throwing my back out. Before I moved, this wasn’t a problem, but now I have to commute to work and school so I’m spending more hours in this awful seat, and by golly, my ex and my mom were right: the driver’s seat does feel REALLY weird.
Adult life is just so expensive.
I had to shell out four hundred dollars to fix the heat in my car, since it’s not safe to drive around in BC without a working defrost. And gas is just astronomically expensive, a dollar fifty or more per litre. I remember it costing only sixty-five cents when I was a kid. But at least I don’t have to drive my mom’s gas-guzzler anymore, which halves the money I spend on gas.
I also have to pay down my racked-up credit card, which still hasn’t recovered from the six-hundred dollars I needed to replace my brakes, or the three-hundred to fix my mom’s car, or the other three-hundred to fix my driver’s window after it got broken into.
Also, I need new shoes because most of mine are either throwing my back out or quite literally falling apart and I don’t understand how my mom’s shoes last forever and mine wear out so fast even though we buy from the same companies. Do I just walk really weird?
And I could really use some new jackets, since my old ones are really baggy and uncomfortable ever since I lost that weight last year.
And I’ve had so many doctor’s appointments. Thanks to my driver’s seat and my shoes and who knows what else, I’ve had to see the chiropractor twice this month and still haven’t entirely fixed all the damage done. Then I had my eye doctor appointment and discovered that my prescription has changed and that my eyesight is horrible. Then I’ll have to buy new contacts (I’ve been wearing the same pair for the past four months) and glasses. Next I’ll have to see the podiatrist about my orthotics which I haven’t replaced since I was a sophomore in high school. Then it’ll be the dentist for my regular check-up, fillings, and probably getting my wisdom teeth out which freaks me out because I’m terrified of needles and don’t know what to do about it. Which means I’ll probably need to talk to my psychologist. Thankfully, I do get reimbursed for this, but until I do, I’m hundreds of dollars short.
(At least the doctor at the walk-in clinic upped my anti-depressant dosage and it turns out that these meds are compatible with the sedation at the dentist’s. No, I have not found a new family physician. All the doctors around here appear to be taken.)
Tuition for the summer will probably be around another eight hundred dollars but the class hours make it so I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which costs me a few hundred dollars every month.
A lot of my conversations with my friends revolve around how expensive everything is.
However, Ex’s GF was actually pretty decent this week. I’m not sure if someone noticed that I was upset last week and talked to her about her behaviour, or if she had a crisis of conscience, or if I just got lucky, but there wasn’t any flirting that day. The staff meeting got cancelled so we just had to find some chores to do for the next hour or so, so I asked her and Ex to look over some forms since I was the only person who’d read through and signed on them so far, but she was really respectful and it was just really nice to see the girl I actually like again.
As for Ex, I don’t really know what to do with him. While GF was decent, he was moody and taciturn. Not directly at me or anything, just in general. However, it’s a different kind of moody. Lately, he’s been moody with an attitude problem, but this week it was the kind of moodiness that seems to stem from him being uncomfortable, not from being conceited. I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t know what to do with me any more than I know what to do with him.
And my thoughts and feelings towards him still fluctuate daily. I miss him, or at least the person he was while we were dating, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life with the person he’s being right now. And even if he became the person he once was again and we got together again, would I even be happy with him? Can we learn from our mistakes? Could I trust him again, or would I just be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Could we ever have again what we once had? Or would we both be better off with different people?
I know I need to stop thinking like that. It doesn’t make me happy. But there are days when once that first thought of him pops into my head, those thoughts just flood in and I can’t stop thinking about them even though I really don’t want to and even though I know it’s not good for me, I can’t for the life of me figure out what else to fill my mind with. Especially since Ex and her are reaching the one-year mark right about now.
I am supposed to be doing homework right now, y’know. End-of-semester crunch and all that. But I’m having one of those days where I just can’t focus and have this fidgety energy and tension that is just ever present, so concentrating on my homework is difficult at the moment.
I managed to get through a chapter of my philosophy readings today, so one more chapter to go for that plus a couple short written-answer assignments (including several overdue ones), but I feel like I didn’t glean a whole lot from the readings so far. I’m not sure if my brain is just having an off-day, or if these readings are full of logical fallacies and that’s why they aren’t making the most sense, or maybe because one of the papers I had to read is literally two hundred years old.
But my midterms are done! The first midterm, which my prof let me rewrite since I couldn’t remember a thing when my grandpa was in the hospital, was a B+, which is awesome because she has really tough essay questions and marks hard. I think that’s about a full letter grade above the rest of the class. I haven’t heard back about the second one because end-of-semester crunch means she hasn’t gotten around to marking them all yet, but I’m confident I passed, which at this point I’m satisfied with.
This summer I’ll be taking that course I was going to take last summer. I’ll have to cut back my work hours, which sucks, but once I finish this class, I can take any third-year psych course I want, which I’m really looking forward to.
A friend of mine is also getting married this summer, which I’m really excited about, though that means I’ll have to set aside money for a gift for the happy couple and to get a dress to wear for the wedding. But I was checking her Facebook page to get some more info on the wedding (like the dress code) but instead found nothing but Christianese. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits and I’m Christian myself and love being a Christian and love Jesus and God and morality and have had some really enlightening conversations with her, but if I see any more Bible verses taken out of context or poorly thought-through interpretations of the Bible or cherry-picking of the scientific literature, I am going to scream. Once again I am reminded how much I love the Unfollow feature on Facebook and why I’ve unfollowed everyone I’ve friended.
My grandpa’s doing better now that he’s out of the hospital. We’re having to make adjustments to make sure him and my grandma are getting all that they need, which can be stressful, but we’re just thankful to have them with us still.
My mom’s also been sore because a couple months ago she got into a little car accident where she was backed into in a parking lot. This week we found out that she has a concussion, which I’ve been thinking for a while since she’s been dizzy, nauseous, and depressed, but she didn’t have a chance to see a doctor about it until now.
So her and I have been looking out for each other whenever one of us has a bad day. Little things bother her more than they used to and she’s weepy a lot and hating it, but at least we have a better idea of what’s going on with her head now that the doctor realized she has a concussion.
My hands are also sore because I had to help hold boards for board breaks in one of the martial arts classes. It’s an advanced class and most of the students there that day were black belts who were bigger than me. One of them broke the board I was holding so thoroughly that the two pieces flew out of my hands and across the room; one piece landed neatly in the box. It was actually rather magnificent and I wish we caught it on video. At least no one kicked my fingers. But the swelling in my one hand still hasn’t gone down so I think I need to get innovative and attach some padding to my hands to absorb the impact.
And of course my body is sore from the chiropractor readjusting everything and I’m carrying myself differently and using different muscles trying to keep everything from going back to the (wrong) place it was in before (which made me sore too).
And my period came a full week early, which was an unpleasant surprise, but I guess that’s just what happens when one is too stressed out.
So that’s been my life: work, school, and bills.
I’ve been so busy trying to stay on top of everything and trying to get it all organized, I haven’t had time for much else. I’ve missed writing on the blog. It’s very cathartic, gets out a lot of my frantic negative energy. I prefer this to the medium of journaling so I’ve just dropped journaling for blogging.
But hey, I just finished another installment of the Break-Up Survival Guide (Depression and Anxiety Edition)! I’m so happy because maybe I’ll finally get the thing finished in a the next couple months, which will be a big project I can cross off my to-do list.
And now I must go, for I still have more philosophy homework plus an absurd amount of Women’s Studies and that means reading sociology papers which takes forever, and I’m going to visit my brother and his family so I’m going to play with my two favourite little girlies and snuggle my adorable oldest nephew. TTFN (Ta-ta for now)!