This past semester’s been a pain in the butt. Not as bad as the semester before, but I’ve had to take the prof’s online lectures and reformat them in Microsoft Word into notes that I can actually make sense of, which is frustrating. I mean, the way she explains things is fine, but the organization and structure of her notes is chaotic and makes it hard for me to integrate the information together because I’m having to constantly switch my attention between the different sections of her Powerpoint slides and the notes she writes below the slides.
I remember I used to wonder how I could possibly be a university professor. Like, I really wanted to be one but didn’t see how I could lecture on a subject enough to fill a three-hour class. And it’s funny because here I am, still a student, and I’m reading through her lectures, imagining how I would be presenting them differently to my own class and adapting it to different learning styles. So I guess maybe I could be a professor and by formatting these lectures, I’m learning how to take other information from other sources and put it together into a comprehensive set of lecture notes.
I did get my full license and so I can drive more than one person at a time, which means I can pick my friends up from the ferry. I mentioned this at work and my one coworker said “Now you can drive all your nieces and nephews around.” and one of the students was like “Couldn’t she already? They’re family.” We had to explain it only counts for immediate family with an N and he joked that I could just pretend they were my kids. My nieces and nephews do look similar enough to me that they could pass as my own. (It’s funny because they actually look a lot like what would happen if my ex and I had kids– the facial features, the build, the hair colours.) I joked, “Yeah, if I get pulled over, I can be like ‘These are my seven children'” and my coworker was roaring with laughter. Cuz’ I’m in my early twenties and look young for my age so the idea of me actually passing off seven kids as my own is hilarious.
I’ve also been working and commuting four days a week while being in school, so I’ve had very little free time. I’ve been able to catch up on all my MCU movies for Endgame but that’s about it. Haven’t been had time to meet up with any of my friends or work on any of my little hobby projects, which means I’ve been burned out pretty much the whole time.
Plus, I’ve also had a bunch of appointments to go to. One check-up at the dentist, two separate appointments for fillings, an appointment at the doctor to get a prescription for Ativan for said fillings, another doctor’s appointment to refill my antidepressant, several chiropractor and massage appointments to fix the pain that keeps cropping up on my body, and then a meeting with the oral surgeon on getting my wisdom teeth out, and finally the actual surgery, which I wound up having to reschedule because I got food poisoning the night before and threw up everything I’d eaten in the past two days so the surgeon sent me home. Now I am anxiously waiting to get my wisdom teeth out for real.
The worst of this year, though, has been my cat Vee developing several health problems and having to put her to sleep, which has been the most horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decision I’ve ever had to make. I still miss her and if I start thinking about it all, I get all choked up, but have since adopted another cat (Boo), who I already love dearly, though she is not by any means a replacement for my sweet Vee.
Work’s been good. Not having to work with my ex and his gf and his mom has done wonders for me. I’m not really sure how I feel about him. Sometimes I miss him, other times I’m just pissed at him for ruining what was a really great relationship and for being all moody and resentful towards me and for a host of other things, dating my then-coworker among them. Sometimes I feel like if we’d both made certain changes by the time we met again that a relationship could work with us, and other times I think he’s done too much and that I’d never be able to trust him again and other times I’m like, ugh, why bother.
Lately, keeping the thinking about him to a minimum and the thinking about his girlfriend to an absolute zero seems to be keeping me happiest. And yes, they’re still dating– his mom came in to pick up their T4s for tax season a couple months ago for “the three of them”. But I’m just focusing on doing what I want to do with my life and figuring if he belongs in it, he’ll fit in there somehow.
I actually ran into my ex at school during exams. I was walking to my exam and I saw this guy and thought “Huh, he’s actually kinda cute. See, I can be attracted to other people!… Actually that kinda looks like [Ex].” And I kinda stare and squint at him because this guy really does resemble my ex except that he’s actually put an effort into looking nice. And then as this guy turns to go into one of the buildings, I see him glance over his shoulder at me and yes, that is definitely him because I know that over-the-shoulder glance. It’s the glance he does when he wants to look at me and has been watching from the corner of his eye but doesn’t want me notice he’s looking at me so he waits until he thinks I’m not looking before he actually turns his head in my direction. Of course, this time I was looking really hard at him so I definitely noticed the glance. So I’m like, ha, he still thinks I’m attractive and then buckled down and wrote my exam while trying to not think about him.
But, yeah, I was surprised. Last time I saw him, he hadn’t cut his hair in ages and it was past his shoulders and he’d load it with gel and tie it in a ponytail which looks awful on him. And he often didn’t bother shaving, so he was all scruffy and not like cute-scruffy but unkempt-deadbeat-scruffy. And he’d wear an old T-shirt and sweatpants. Now he’s cut his hair to about ear-length and he’s shaved and he’s dressed in a nice hoodie and jeans and a cap, so he actually looks really nice. I haven’t seen him dress nice since I don’t know when.
I’m glad I actually bothered to look pretty that day. Cuz who wants to run into their ex while looking completely rundown? And I’m pretty satisfied because yep, he still thinks I’m cute.
I survived another semester and since I’ve aged out of child support and age out of BC Housing and my parents’ medical plans at the end of the year, and with my mom getting married and me getting my own place, I’ve decided to take the next eight months off of school. I’ll be returning to my degree in January because if I wait any longer than that, I’m not covered under my school’s grandfather clause anymore and would have to add in some more requirements to my degree, which I would rather not have to do.
But wow, eight whole months of just work. No lectures, no readings, no homework, no papers, no exams. Just eight months of work and learning martial arts (I passed a black belt fit test! I’m so proud of myself!) and reading whatever I want whenever I want and watching movies and playing my music and hanging out with my friends and setting up house and actually having free time.
And since I was so busy with school and work that I didn’t have time to exercise, I actually gained back a good portion of the weight I lost two years ago. There’s a part of me that’s a little sad because I actually looked like a model and because I was under a G-cup for the first time since I hit puberty and being under a G-cup doubles your bra and swimsuit options, but really this is a good thing. I actually fit into most of my old bras, which I spent hundreds of dollars on and I’m so glad I listened to my mom and held onto them even though I thought I’d never be this size again. And it’s a relief having this eight back and knowing that if I get sick again where I’m unable to eat, I have a bit of extra fat to protect me. Plus, it’s hard to find clothes when you’re as small as I was because most places don’t carry a XXS and at my higher weight now, I’m currently an XS which is much easier to find. I’m just glad my weight has stabilized because I feel like my life is in shambles when I don’t know which size I am.
The Intersection of Everything 